Without Burden

I was an athlete. Emphasis on “was”. In jr. high I tried out for all four of the sports that were offered at my school; volleyball, basketball, softball, and track. My dad was well known within the school district, as he was a tenured guidance counselor for one of the local high schools and my step mom held a noteworthy district administrative role. Naturally, my parents collogue let me on their teams as a curtesy. In a way, I was quite privlidged to have connections. However, I was an unnatural athlete. I broke my nose playing softball and I broke a few fingers playing volleyball.

As of late, I have been reflective of my “team” experiences. I recall being consistent in attendance and participation at all practices. I remember working up a sweat, putting in my utmost effort, and decorating myself in team swag on game days. I worked tirelessly throughout the week to prepare for these games only to find that I was not considered an MVP. My game time experience was nothing short of being benched. I’d sit in the dugout or on the sidelines cheering my teammates on, singing ridiculous cheers (which I’ve actually never been comfortable with) and waiting… wondering, if I would get a chance to play. Once in awhile I would get put in at the last two minutes of the game ifthere was not a chance of our team recovering from whatever massive beating we had taken from the other team.

These consistent experiences left me feeling worthless. I was often left feeling like a “less than” athlete and teammate. Was I so horrendous at playing sports that if I did get to be a “starter” or a baseman that I would sink my team? Was I so poor in skill that even when the all-star players on the team were losing each game that I was still a risk the coaches we’re not willing to take? I thought sports we’re supposed to lift kids up and build their confidence? Unfortunately, I had the opposite experience. Instead, I felt embarrassed, forgotten, and patronized. I was invisible. I was told of my value as a teammate and yet it wasn’t enough to buy me time on the playing field. I stopped wanting to be a “teammate” and decided to put my energy into running; because with running I could be a one-man team.

Each Saturday during track season my dad and I would go to the track field at the high school he worked at. He would ask me “what’s the goal today?” and each time I had the same goal. “Eight-minute mile” I’d respond. Dad would set his stopwatch and we’d run a mile. Ten minutes. Nope, didn’t meet the goal. He’d look at me with a grin and would ask “want to try again?”. Out of breath I would nod and off we’d go again for another mile. Eight minutes and thirty seconds. “Is that going to work for you, or do you want to try again?”. Again, I’d nod and off we’d run for another mile. Only this time my dad would say “I’m going to pace you. Match my breathing pattern.” Eight minutes. Done.

Two experiences. One traumatized me and one empowered me. The first was a strive for importance; a need to be recognized for greatness regardless if there was really anything “great” about my skill or lack thereof. The second was striving without burden. I was running with my dad simply because I liked running with my dad. I ran and ran to achieve that eight-minute goal because I found joy in the process. There was an understanding that my dad was going to help me accomplish my goal even if it meant that he needed to guide my pace and pair me with his breathing. At the end of the run there was no one there to acknowledge my awesomeness or be wowed by my perseverence. There was just an ice-cold bottle of water waiting to aide my recovery.

Funny how these stories resurface in our adult journey. I am mindful of how difficult it has always been for me to function on a team. I’ve always preferred to work alone. I’ve actually prided myself on my independence and abilities to brainstorm, plan, develop, strategize, and execute. After all, If I am responsible for all aspects of a process no one can let me down; I have full freedom. Sounds great and all, until one day you realize that not everyone thinks like you and you have a sudden awareness of being somewhat of a lone ranger. There is a price to seeking and needing self- recognition; loneliness, exhaustion, and a loss of purpose. When we strive for excellence without unified purpose we run the risk of fatigue and fractured victories.

The world around me has been quite intentional about holding team language and concepts in front of me. I’m drawn to statements such as “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts”, and “We’re better together”, and “God’s Spirit unifies”. I have felt poked, disrupted, and challenged. These two memories have been on repeat in my head and heart for some time. I can identify my own baggage around “team” and the role I have known and experienced participating on teams. I’m also aware of the joy I feel in setting my own goals and partnering with a small few to reach them. The tension lies in my role as a wife, mother, and shepherd.

The Trinity is a beautiful model of partnership and unity. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are of one likeness, working together for good. None are fighting for position or seeking importance over the other. In unity they bring comfort, care, peace, beauty, joy, discernment, and redemption. I cannot help but be inspired and in awe of this profound design of the Trinity. It tickles my thoughts about what healthy teams could look like and the potential strength in a group when purpose is braced with humility and love. How would my marriage look different if I allowed my husband the opportunity to partner with me instead of me insisting on doing everything myself? What skills and character qualities would bloom in my children if I was intentional about finding ways to be on their team rather than blowing a mental whistle at them when they drop the ball? How would my students and volunteers disposition shift if they had confidence that their insights and contributions had great significance? What healing would start to manifest in my soul if I courageously stepped into a team dynamic in pursuit of holiness verses self-righteousness and personal glory?

I am mindful of my broken perspective in regards to team functions, purpose, and participation. A negative experience has tampered with my heart and rewired my brain to see what is actually goodas deeply flawed. Unifying with others, when done well, lifts the burden of responsibility off one and allows each individual to share a piece of the load that is more manageable and practical. Working alongside one another creates a menagerie of talents and resources that can be accessed for the sake of building God’s Kingdom while here on Earth. Teamwork is a virtue and at the same time, I know that there is tremendous value in hard work done behind a closed door when following the lead of a caring, selfless, and strong guide. I am both challenged and encouraged as God continues to invite me to follow His leading and engage in unity with the community around me. I am thumbing through my story; going backwards in my story to go forward. I’m grateful for both of these treasured memories as the Father is using them to draw me into His gentle, loving, and humble way.

“Those who lead and no one follows are just out for a walk”.