Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
I’m going on a third week of restless nights with my children, puffy eyes from allergies, and deadlines at work. My breath has been shallow. My wardrobe has been slap dashed together in hopes that no one will notice that I am wearing yesterday’s jeans. I am experiencing what most doctors would define as panic attacks… daily. My body is in chronic pain. I feel the internal battle between conflicting desires; a reality that I have somehow always been subject to. What is this life that God has given me all about? A question that warrants complex introspection. How can I be this incredible mother to my children when my head is clouded with all of the “I have to’s” and the “I need to’s” of life?
I spoke with a stay home mom a few days ago. I listened to her struggles as she spoke of surrendering her career to raise her children. My heart had compassion on her. I know she must be tired. I know she must place expectations on herself to keep a clean home, provide home cooked meals, and carry the bulk of the parental role within the home as her husband works long hours. I’ll bet there are messy days. I’ll bet there are lonely days. I’ll bet there are days she hides out in the bathroom for that extra ten minutes just to get a moment of peace.
As I began to share my struggle as a working mother I was cut off. There was an unwillingness to even listen to a different perspective. All of my insides screamed as I thought through how she an I had the same struggles. I too put all of those expectations on myself. I too have messy and lonely days. I too take that extra ten minutes just so I can catch my own thoughts. Because I am away from my home and my children while at work I often don’t even have the option to clean or cook. I live with the shame of taking my children through the El Pollo Loco drive through multiple times a week so they can have a semi-healthy meal. I live with the shame of functioning on a strict diet of coffee and whatever kid snacks I can grab and put in my bag as I run out the door. Exercise? What’s that? When I’m at work my mind is on my children and when I’m with my children my mind is at work. We are the same, only different. We both sacrifice in our efforts and hope that we will be the best mother to our children. We share one purpose yet we approach it differently.
I suppose my mind is replaying this scenario as a way of processing that truth. The truth that there is not one way to do something. I have spent my life trying to wedge myself into a box of what I thought I should do or who I thought I should be. I believed that “A + B = C”. I was certain that there was one way to achieve a goal and if I didn’t abide by the “rules” that I would somehow end up in the “lesser human being category”. In fact, I think I have lived most of my life identifying myself as a “lesser than…”. A lesser student, a lesser wife, a lesser employee, a lesser mother, and so on… What a way to live, huh?
God is in the process of rewriting my narrative. Every time I sit with the Trinity I discover a new truth about who I am because of Jesus. When I feel worthless, He calls me worthy. My thoughts have been filled with fear, anxiety, and “Lesser things” for the last three weeks. Tonight, I am asking “What is true? What is noble? What is right? What is pure? What is excellent? And, what is praiseworthy? What’s peculiar is that I I’m finding that the answers have absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with the Father. I am more because He is more.
…and somehow even in this process I still find myself in a state of panic and anxiety. I wish I could tie this one up in a bow for you all sharing in the tales of this Messy Mommy. However, today, I’m in the middle of the mess. Standing. Seeking. Waiting.