Today’s word: Disqualified... Nah, Qualified.
Being a mother is a privilege. I’m humbled that God chose and entrusted me to care for such a sweet part of His creation. Motherhood has changed me. It has refined me and at the same time, aged me. I remember watching my mom look at herself in the mirror and ask the question “who is that person?”. A question that I thought was rather ridiculous then and yet rather relatable now. I mean really, who is this person? Who is this tired, worn down, scrappy, forgotten women looking back at me in the mirror? Where did those lines on her face come from? Why is she carrying an extra 30lbs? How come it’s been 3 days since she last washed her hair?
Truth be told, I’ve forgotten me. I’ve been haunted and offended by the expectations and limits others have placed upon me since the day I became a mom. Standards that I believe(d) I have to abide by to be accepted and classified as “a good mom”. In fact, many of these voices and opinions isolated me and disqualified me from engaging in the very things that made me… well, me. Little by little these limits have worn on me as pieces of me have slowly evaporated right before my very own eyes. I’m no longer the woman who set out to be an executive, or the woman who spent hours on a creative project uninterrupted, or the girl who would run as far as she could until she ran completely out of breath and then would call a friend for a ride home.
All these pieces of me and more have been bottled and shelfed now. They have become realities that I have been disqualified from because I have taken on the role of mother. I suppose you could say that they are just on pause. So, who is this woman looking at me? She’s the woman who’s on a different type of run each day. She’s the one who takes on the chaos so the family can function. She’s the one whose creativity is reserved for rainy days at home with little people. She spends every moment of her “free” time cleaning only to find the same mess an hour later. She’s lost. She has been severed from her former identity.
Now, I see how one would read this and think one of 4 things. 1. She’s bitter. 2. She’s resentful. 3. She takes motherhood for granted. Or 4. She is completely telling my story!
No, not bitter. But Yes, broken.
No, not resentful. But Yes, holding the tension.
Taking motherhood for granted? Maybe. However, I am certain of the deep love and 5 Star care I extend to my children. I adore them completely and am committed to shepherding them in their own journey every day. So then again, maybe not.
Am I telling your story? If you’re a mom, probably.
Today this part of my story was LOUD. Too Loud. I’m talking “signal the water works” LOUD. No one likes to feel “disqualified” from the things that they feel define them…
…Until I said that very thing to the Lord in the midst of my sloppy, teary, episode of shattered identity. Identity crisis is an ongoing part of my God Story. I live in constant fear that I am just not enough. If I don’t lose these 30 extra pounds now am I still lovable? If I don’t move forward in my career or education am I still valuable? If I don’t leave my thumbprint on this Earth do I still matter? If I don’t “do it all” have I failed tremendously?
The conversation continued…
I decided to look in the mirror and ask God what He saw in me. (something I often encourage my students to do).
He whispered“You are everything I hoped you would be”.
This world is broken. I suppose it makes sense that I would feel rejected and disqualified from it. But when I look beyond the surface and God reveals my true identity (again and again) I regain my purpose and am suddenly qualified for whatever is thrown my way even in the losses. I am His beloved. I am chosen. I am not forgotten. I am seen. I am known. I am qualified.